Lefter 45 ~ Before you vote for John Key, look at these other turkeys

I can’t begin to understand why anyone actually likes John Key, I admit it. To me he’s a mealy-mouthed, glad-handing buffoon, utterly entranced by his own completely inexplicable popularity.

He loves being centre stage and in the limelight to the extent he’s been going too far. Case in point: Key said the Pike River families asked him to step in and sort things out for them. The Pike River families, two days later, fessed up that he had actually gone to them. What an ass.

Anyway, if you love Johnny and waste your vote on him, check out what comes with Mr Smiley:

Bill English is Deputy Leader – he’s the enemy Key is keeping even closer. Bill wanted to lead National; he’s the conservative South Island farmer who’s steadily been tightening the reins on fiscal policy as minister of finance.

Do you trust him? I sure as hell don’t.

By the way, it was Julius Caesar who famously said ‘Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer’. I don’t think it’s good advice, considering Caesar’s friends and enemies duly gathered around – and stabbed him to death.

Then there’s Minister for Disaster Gerry Brownlee – he’s been beavering away making a complete cock-up of the reconstruction of Christchurch. He’s another South Islander, but not one enjoying much Mainland love at the moment. His motto on National’s web page is ‘Building better public service’ – to serve who, Gerry?

Simon Power is a hawk, but that’s fitting: he’s Minister of Justice. He’s the one championing retrospective law changes to justify things that have been done unlawfully by the authorities in the past.

Oh, and he’s another South Islander.

Nick Smith comes from a construction business family. He has a PhD in landslides! Rather hilariously, Key chose to make him Minister of the Environment.

OK – He’s from North Canterbury and he’s been in every National government for the past two decades. Memorably, right?

(I have nothing against the South Island, but two thirds of the population lives in the North Island. So why are they running the country?)

Tony Ryall is from the North Island, at least, and he’s ‘building a safer New Zealand’. He’s Minister of Health, State Services and State Owned Enterprises – in other words, with National in power, he’s a prize cutter.

Judith Collins is minister of Police, Corrections and Veterans Affairs. At least she has a degree in law. Collins campaigned on behalf of Vietnam Vets over Agent Orange. Could be worse.

Anne Tolley is Minister of Education – so all you students out there and those working in education should have a lot of faith in her, right? If you can remember her name.

Paula Bennett, gawd, where do I begin? She’s the worst type of ‘made it on the bones of my arse so why can’t you?’ righty. Solo mum, benefit recipient, sympathy for no one. Sounds a bit like Key himself – his mother was a refugee from Nazi Germany yet he pronounces against refugees, and he grew up in a state house but hasn’t time for public schools and state assistance.

At least Bennett is a hard worker. If only she wasn’t, though.

Steven Joyce is another colourless bloke – I admit he is working hard for better broadband, as Labour’s Cunliffe did before him.

Murray McCully is Minister for the Rugby World Cup. You might think this is good.

I think it’s good … for a third world banana republic. For New Zealand, it’s embarrassing. He’s embarrassing. When he’s not pretending to ‘sort out’ Auckland’s transport mess, which is largely the fault of National’s policies anyway, he’s gadding about in the Pacific, being feted by those who get New Zealand aid money and use it to buy new cars.

Tim Grocer is the only truly scary person here, because he’s actually clever. Cleverness harnessed to right wing ideology is always a dangerous thing. Shame – what a waste.

I could go on. But let me conclude: think about what your MP has done for your area, and for your needs, before you vote.

Think about this bunch of no hopers riding on John Key’s coat tails before you vote. Coz you cop the lot.